I just can't!

I just can't sit here and let you do this to me every summer. I just can't let him keep tearing my apart into little pieces! I won't, I can't! I was so madly in love with you for four years of my life! I wanted nothing more then to just spend the rest of our days together.. fill up the house we were going to buy with children. I would've given everything to just try and make a life with you. Sometimes love is just not enough... it's not glue. So why should we try so hard to stay together? You say you're miserable... you're only miserable because you were asked to be a real man and take care of your family! You were asked to spend time with your women and your children! This is my fault though. I should have never let you back in after the baby was born, I knew exactly who you were and what you were doing and like a fool I let you back into our lives not once not twice but four times. Every summer you need your break you need your freedom. The real world has no room for people who have no ambition and no need to contribute to society and get an education to further your life. How is it that this person that I loved doesn't want anything for themselves or their family?!! It's not about the "Riches" or having money for everything. To me being Rich means you have everything you need to make you feel better and blessed! A degree, a house, a family, a good working car, a nice savings account.

We were so opposite at the beginning, but it wasn't a problem because we complimented each other very well! Now we are just so opposite we live on different planets. How could you just up and leave your family for a new one!? What man does that? Oh I could tell you Rob does that! Every year, and every year I forgive him because I can't stand the fact that my daughter will be broken like I was. I'm not the type to just move on with her life as if nothing happened and start dating other people. But at the same time, what am I supposed to do with my life? I can't take you back or forgive you every time you decide you want to find another family!

The sad part is that I work so much to make up for your pay cut! For you wanting to be closer with us and be "better" for us that I have no time in my day to care about what you are doing, to care about what you said or how you are doing... or who you are doing (sorry but these are my thoughts, you don't get to judge) I don't get time to myself to sit an actually feel sad about it this time. The only time I get to myself I have so much to do I don't sit and ponder and ask the why me's? I just really don't care this time. The only thing I care about is you wanting to divide our daughter like she's a bagel and we should spend equal time. Why should you get more time then me? I work just as hard? Just cause you're Lil's father doesn't mean much? Yes you're good to her, but no that's not how it works! You hated the truck that we bought you never wanted to drive it and the first thing you do is fight for it and keep it! What's it about anyways! I don't think I can be civil. Quit frankly I'm getting annoyed! I don't wish you bad I wish you well I just wish that you could get it together for more then 6 months at a time. That is all I wish for you.

geez!

Trials! They suck! Good people don't deserve for bad things to happen to them. A women that I work with has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This women is one of the hardest working, one of the sweetest, and she's just a really good person. I can't stand to think of her going through that!!! Her last day waws yesterday until further notice. We talk everyday sometimes for hours. She never mentioned anything to me. So when I was asked to pull out the applications today it was a bit of a shock, but it's just in case she doesn't return. She brings me food! She tells me her troubles... she is a good person. I'm just beside myself because I can't help her.. at least I don't know how to help her. I can pray for her, but that's all I can think of doing for her. She has Grandchildren my nephews age. That means that she could be my mother! I'm sitting her just typing like a stupid robot with a million emotions running through my mind.
Anyways I'm rambling on... pray for my friend please!

oh hello!

Well house hunting stinks. Whoever said it was fun was a big fat liar! We can't decide on anything, people sometimes are so weird that a house can be instantly a no when you walk in the front door. Being within budget is a pain, because you have to realize this is a 30 year commitment you can't really get out of this one as fast as anything else. The only thing that I have seen to be true is that it's a buyers market! I wish we could just build, but that's kind of a scam because they are in the business of making money so they may say that they start in the $140's but after you pick out all the nice things that you want for you house you total ends up being $213,900 WHAT THE H!! That's not in the $140's that not even in the $100,000 range. Plus being a first time home buyer that makes your mortgage like $1,600 a month! Unless you make tons of money or have it growing on tress that is nearly impossible!

Other then that things are great. Work is work and I'm ready to be done or find a new job. It started out so great, but now peoples true colors start to shine and they can be deceiving and backstabbing. Who wants to work in a place like that? I can think of one person who would totally thrive off of that drama hahaha! I'm happy that I don't have to work weekends anymore. I didn't mind it at first, but it started to bug me that even on Mother's Day I couldn't even get the day off so I could go home and be with my Daughter.

I love my Daughter so much! She is so smart! She speaks 3 languages her English is the best out of them because she likes it better. She knows everything about farm animals and what they eat and why they do things. She knows how to plant and water the garden. She can pretty much fish on her own. The only thing she can't do is cast the line out, but dad or myself help her out on that one. She sings like crazy and sometimes it's all made up stuff. The first thing she asks me for in the morning when she wakes up is a "Yummy Breakfast!" She's a stubborn little girl though. She has to do everything herself. Which is nice because since she has been potty trained for 6 months now only this last month she has been just grabbing the step stool and sitting down by herself and if I go in to see what she is doing in the bathroom she kicks me out and slams the door. She likes to pee in peace lol! She's such a little sponge right now too, everything you say she will repeat and she wont forget that you said that. Let me give you an example because I don't want some people who don't know my parenting at all to start making up stories about me again! So the other day I was just sitting down with Lili and we were coloring and she said something about Grandma, and I told her No, and I can't really remember what she asked... it was something about going to be with Grandma, and I got annoyed not at my daughter but the fact that not my Mother but the other Grandma likes to put stuff in her head. So I said no and under my breath I just said she's just really annoying now. So when my mom came over she told my mom "You're not annoying Dranma, other Dranma is really annoying hu?" (dranma= grandma it's really cute how she says it) My mom of course laughs because she agrees, and sometimes people just need to know their place.